the need to vent

I'm waiting........................................................,

my feet are cold.
my hands are shaky.
heart's a pounding and my tummy's rumbling.

damn you nasik soto!
i'm still pissed.

no matter what happens, i thanku for making me aware how many people love me.
hehe.

missing out

i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to go to dayout's wedding.
it's the 2nd wedding of my batchmate that i have to miss out on because i am not going to be in malaysia.

SEE LA!! yours truly is NOT there.

| [ s i g h ] |
no gossiping till i lose my voice.
no united raging out at dumb drivers on the road.
no eardrum damaging amplitude of laughter all around.
no talking like there's no tomorrow.
no camwhoring in baju kurung with my best buds.
no posing in front of other peoples big ass SLRs.
no poking fun at innocent irritating faces in the crowd.
no getting "shush" from the next table.
no getting dirty looks from the other tables.


guess i'll just have to settle for hearing it all 2nd hand.
siyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal.
sedih gilaaaaaaaa.
i am seriously considering cutting class for a week.

Mere Mortals

I have been meaning to do this earlier. But I am somewhat a fussy twat when it comes to writing and just couldn't find the time.
When I first heard of our senior, Sharon Jinnil's death, it didn't really sink in how tragic it was until I heard Nandini telling us about her.

At an age where old classmates should meet at weddings, it had instead been at a funeral.

(Paraphrased from Nandini)

I didn't really know her to tell you the truth.
I think I've only spoken to her once or twice.
But nevertheless, I thought it was only right to attend a memorial service held by her close friends that were still in Jogja - her batch had just graduated a few months back and most were back home in Malaysia.
One of them had prepared a slide show using pictures from her facebook and their personal collection. Sharon spent her birthdays making party packs and celebrating them with cerebral palsy and handicapped children in an orphanage.
Everyone then sat around in a circle talking about their fondest memories of her.
I wished I had the chance to know her better.

About a week back I found out that my cousin's girlfriend is in a coma due to a blood borne infection from her transfusion. She had been in a hit and run accident.
She's 22.My age.
She's on respiratory ventilation.
She needs a miracle.
Her name is Zazrene Fareesha.
I hope you can all remember her and her family in your prayers.
I didn't really know her that well either.
I hope I get the chance.

I know there is no way I can even begin to understand what it is like for their families and the people who are really close to them.Or even try to offer comfort.
But I do believe this and I hope the thought of it helps them through somehow.
Everything happens for a reason.
Somewhere a kid reading about them decides to be a very good doctor who finds the cure to cancer.
Somewhere a jaded lawyer finds renewed conviction in persecuting the guilty and defending the innocent.
Somewhere a man who has not spoken to his father in years decides that life is too short to be wasted on hating.
Somewhere the drivers of the fateful vehicles are lifting their remorse by devoting their life in helping others.
I believe God works in mysterious ways.
You can never really see the big picture.
Mitch Albom's "the five people you meet in heaven" sums it up beautifully:

Each (person) affects the other and the other affects the next and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one.

Mankind can't possibly be all that shitty yet.I think most of the time we just need someone to point us in the right direction.And signboards to show us the way.
These are our signboards.
Make every moment count.
And make sure you make your life MATTER.



Ironic isn't it how it is often sorrow and adversity that brings us together?

Love found and lost

Dear Diary,

Hey Di!Its been ages since my last entry!!
There's so many things I wanna tell u. This morning me and my bffs was sharing the details of our yummy boyfriends!
Only it turns out Evan is so not.
U remember Evan rite?My so-called-bf since last year?
I'm soooo embarrassed with him, he's nothing like the other girl's bfs.
Aargh!Imagine all these minus points:

- 10 because he has no cellphone.all the other guys have the latest in the market!
- 10 because his parents don't let him drive even though he's 18!hellooo everybody else is driving their hot rods to school!
- 10 as he does nothing to his hair.all the other hunks make sure they look trendy!
- 10 as he hates going clubbing.partying is my life!how can he be so uncool?
- 10 AGAIN Di!He doesnt even own one XSML jacket!EVERYBODY shops there!All he has is one ugly FILA jacket.Yuck!
- 10 again again again again!he still brings food from home for lunch?what a loser! I am soooo ashamed.

Aaargh!How did I ever say yes?
I should break up with him.

Dear Diary,

It's Valentine's day and I've been hiding from Evan all day!!I just made it out in time before he came to class to give me a present!
DUH - Nobody can ever find out we're together.I'll be the laughing stock of the whole school!I think he's very confused but who cares.
I can't let anybody find out.
He called me at home 4times too.I told the maid to say that I still haven't gotten home yet.

Dear Diary,

I've been doing the same thing for 3days Di!I had to hideout in the girls bathroom more than once today.
Why doesn't he just get it?

Dear Diary,

Today I hid out for awhile and decided to hangout in the canteen after school with my bffs.They were questioning me non-stop about evading Evan.
"Pity the guy Alexa, he sooo obviously likes you!"
"Just take the gift!You don't have to be nice to him after!"
I decided to just be quiet.
But they wouldn't let it go so I admitted "I am just so disgusted with him.He-lo?He's so past tense!So last season, old-fashioned.And he looks so average!How in the world did I ever wanted to be friends with that loser?"
Suddenly everybody went still and looked past me.I followed suit.
Omigod Di!!It was Evan!He heard everything I just said!
Evan just looked down on the floor.He did not say anything at all.He slowly walked away.
Nic and Kim wanted me to go after him.
But the others said I shouldn't care.I could easily make new guy "friends" couldn't I?
That's true rite?
So let it be.I'm thankful he overheard!Saves me the trouble of telling it to his face.
And if he wants to break up, I'm happy to agree.

Dear Diary,

Its been 2days.Evan stopped calling and looking for me at school.I don't have to hide anymore.We passed by each other today he just kept quiet and didn't even look at me.

Dear Diary,

Di!Its been a week.I feel like something's missing.I don't know why I'm feeling this way.
I SHOULDN'T.
I WON'T.
It'll stop I know it will.

I don't wanna see anyone. I don't wanna hangout. I wanna be alone.
Everybody's asking what's up with me.
How do I tell them when I'm not sure myself?

Dear Diary,

It's the weekend and its raining pretty bad outside.I'm watching MTV and suddenly this song by Tamia- Officially Missing You starts to play.Its so...sad.

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I'm officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today
I'm officially missing you..,

I broke down.I cried.
So hard that I soaked Mom's new cushions.I couldn't stop sobbing for at least an hour.What have I done Di?!I've been so stupid.Evan is the sweetest most wonderful guy I know.

So what he doesn't have a cellphone? + 100 because he's willing to walk to the phone booth around the corner every night just to wish me sweet dreams.
So he doesn't have a car? +100 because he's willing to cycle that far to my house everytime I need him even though it's raining.
So he doesn't have nice hair? +100 because no matter how ugly my new cut, how un-unstyled MY hair, how disastrous a new look, he still insists I am the most beautiful girl he knows.
So he doesn't like partying? + 100 he accompanies me everywhere I want and gets scolded by his parents for coming home late in the cab, alone.
So he doesn't own an XSML jacket? +100 he hands me his ugly FILA when its raining and I'm cold without me asking.
So he brings lunch from home? +100 because he saves his lunch money to buy me an expensive Valentine's present...

- 60 for being uncool, +600 for being the sweetest guy I will ever know.

Di!I'm such an idiot.I was so luck to have a guy like him and all I did was hurt him.
And he has never hurt me.
Never.

I'm crying again.I don't know if I'll stop.

Dear Diary,

I met Evan at school today.I told him I wanted to talk but he didn't say a thing and just walked away.
He did meet me after school though and asked what I wanted to talk about.
I gave him the card I made yest, I gave him a kiss on his cheek and said I was sorry.He silently walked away.
I know I deserve it, I do.
I hurt him so badly, and I lost him.
Di, it hurts so much.
I came back from school and cried some more.
I know it's my fault, and I have to deal with it.

Evan called!Mom had to fetch me because I still had Teddy covering my head and I couldn't hear the phone.
Di, he said he forgives me.
And he wants us to move on and forget about it.
I'm so HAPPY!!!!!!!!
I promise I wont hurt him again.

He's coming over tonight!!I wanna look absolutely gorgeous for Evan so thats all tonite ok Di!
I'll tell you the details in FULL GLORY later.
I love you.Thanks for listening.
But I love Evan more=)

Note to self: Appreciate what you have now because you are so lucky to have him.

Nite Di!!
ps: -10 because he isn't so good looking, +100 because he so beautiful inside.


EPILOGUE:
Alexa waited and waited but Evan was no show.
Disappointed and angry, she gave up and went to bed.

Evan had not enough money to take a cab and decided on a bus instead.He spend more than he had originally estimated for Alexa's Valentine's present.But it will be worth every penny. He could just imagine how her smile would light up her whole face, and how her eyes would crinkle up. He loved watching her smile.
It was raining, he so he ran to cross the road not wanting the wrapping to get wet. Out of nowhere, a speeding car skidded and hit him. The impact flung his body to the road, hard. Evan tried to get up, but his body felt so heavy, and it was so painful to breathe. He tried calling out for help but it was so hard to even open his mouth. The back of his head felt wet. His vision was getting blurry. The world seemed to go dark. And just like that, the pain was gone, he felt his body going light, like he was going to float away, and disappear into nothing. He knew then that it was too late. He was going to meet his Maker, and he was going fast.

With his dying breath Evan said,

“Allahhu Akbar…., titip Alexa ya Allah, juga Mami dan Papi,"

God Almighty......, take care of Alexa,Mom and Dad."

Author's note: The original story was in Indonesian (which I like more than Malay because it is oh-so-poetic when you're being jiwang)) I did my best to translate/make up the sentences that would best convey the feeling but it's still better in its original form I think.I also took some creative liberties like adding on a more detailed death scene and I changed to song.I don't know that Janet Jackson song. Felt more connected to the one by Tamia.

why

is it human nature to strike out at those we hold dear most?
is it human nature to hurt them the way we feel they've hurt us?

what do you do when you realize you're no better right to do so?
that you've done things you said you wouldn't do.
that you've said things just as hurtful,and been even more mean.

i'm sorry.
for what its worth,i really am.

i don't know if i can do without you.
seems so easy when i'm angry but that fades away pretty fast.
and what lingers is that nagging doubt that you most probably wont even miss me like i want you to.
but i will.

swamped

i am getting those moments sorta often now.
i don't know if everybody gets it.but i am pretty sure some do.
its that gut-wrenching feeling that comes with no warning.
you may be laughing with your friends,eating a solitary lunch,etc etc.
without a care in the world.
then it hits you.

sometimes its a heart-breaking pang that makes you realize somewhere someone is not as lucky as you are.
sometimes its that overwhelming melancholic moment that makes your eyes well up for no reason.
sometimes its a word that brings back the gruesome pictures you saw on the telly last week.

i like to think they are constant reminders for me to count my blessings.
and make me realize i do have some dues to pay.
gee,i am a sentimental idiot.
or maybe i'm just nuts.=)